From Judas, to Brutus, and the venom of old times sake

All that time afforded you,

moments to think deceiving thoughts,

about the way my heart beats,

what wrongs have slipped & been uttered from my mouth.

I'm no angel, no, heaven never wanted me,

but you can't say, I'm a right thats simply gone wrong.

To say i didn't delight in the moments

we shared, would be a lie.

But to say i can delight in them now

would be a much bigger lie.

You know the fears i face,

& you know the people,

who have spied on me from the shadows,

watching and waiting, to attack their prey.

Do not be so ignorant,

these things i still do fear,

its not from hate or love that i run,
its from much bigger things.

No, I don't believe she's dumb,

nor foul, nor retarded, or such.

But yes i am saddened,

your words have cut deep,

i'm bleeding from the inside,

your beating has been brutal & a deadly sight.

Turn around and smile for me,

look at her, you'll forget me.

leave me to die in the silence, so dear,

for this night could be a last,

could be a first, could be a nothing--

but a night thats filled with tears.

A rope may be too knotted,

be to harsh, may be too rough

A chemical may be too sweet,

may be too innocent, may be too deadly.

This is no childish dream of floating,

i've taken flight but am too low to keep going.

I've run away from you, friend,

because friend is no more a word for you.

Stranger on the street you are,

walking past the shadow ive become.

You wouldn't look down,

you've risen far above that,

you're looking ahead to better times,

and are concerned with better people.

once you were a human man,

so real, so nice, so caring.

Now you've become just a machine,

spitting out 'sorrys' and tears.

Your heart used to beat warm for me,

then suddenly it was cold.

The sun shines on some other girl,

thats your side thats ever warm.

I'll stare at ceilings the rest of this life,

and wake up stained in tears.

You've cursed me with this,

then turned around and wondered,

why everything i used to be about,

is now a different story,

a story that i've gotta re-write,

a story thats re-defined now,

Maybe im just a freak of nature,

maybe im inside-out,

Maybe im a hopeless story,

maybe im filled with doubt.

Yes he will always make me happy,

hes the one that picked me up,

and understood my every fault,

he saw the good in all of it.

Maybe you think hes horrid,

maybe youre just on the wrong side.

You've stabbed me and youve tied me down,

then tried to make me suffer,

tried to make me watch you live life,

tried to make me regret my words,

words that i have said and i've sworn to,

heres Judas' kiss to your forehead now.

maybe like Thomas im doubting,

maybe like Peter im denying.

or maybe im Julius,

and Brutus is betrayin,

and stayin, not obeyin,

and we're payin, while decayin,

and this way in, is frayin,

while were sayin, why things greyin.

And these rhymes are gettin older,

from this venom we're getting colder,

and our words are getting bolder,

but they'll bind together like a folder.

If i screamed would you just quit crying,

out to me like rain on land thats drying.

cause i feel like i am dying,

through words received with sighing.

I'm a vampire in the trying,

inside i wanna be flying,

instead of here and lying,

when you are not even buying [this].

You've Wanted to Understand

You’ve wanted to understand me,
To know things will be okay from now on,
But you’ve gotten lost,
in your own emotions buried beneath it all,

And you’re asking questions,
That just don’t make any sense any more,
And I feel like I’m drowning,
From the stress of knowing what I don’t.

And my mood is expressed,
by the rain that falls around me today,
And I’d scream anything in a storm,
If only you’d let one surround me.

But you’ve wanted to be,
Past some type of no return.

But this sea is crashing down waves,
That we don’t know how to surf.

And the same drab colors,
That we’ve always seemed to flaunt,
Wont fit in, when you’re in a room,
With satin and silks.

Hello Mr. Worker, Sir

Hello Mr. Worker, Sir,

I’d like to establish myself—

I’m the girl on the sidewalk,

The kid on the street,

And the child who’s been missing,

Lost in self-defeat.

I suppose I got distracted,

I’m afraid I’ve lost my way.

I danced in the rain, for too long I fear,

Till it stopped one sudden day.

And now I’m standing here,

Lost and all alone—

I was just hoping, that you’d help me now,

I was hoping you would care.

Life’s been hard and trying,

I’ve found it quite unfair.

Indeed I’m very sorry,

So sorry things do end.

Oh do listen Mr. Worker, Sir,

I see you9re busy now.

I wonder dear, do you have time,

To even take a breath?

I understand, I’m in your way,

I’m like a plague of death.

Disruptive has my presence been,

An annoyance, and a waste.

A repulsion to your eyes, I am

See I’ve fallen from your grace.

I knew you’d tell me, I knew you’d hate—

Insanities got a price.

You’ve been so wrong, Mr. Worker, Sir,

You know me all too well.

But you’ve read me wrong, so wrong you see,

Heartbreaks not my game.

You cannot hurt me, but you cant not care,

So something else is wrong.

You’ve been lost in life’s defeat,

And disposed of me, a friend.

So tell me love, what’s got you down,

What’s got you so sad, so blue.

For I fear my dear, blues arent for you,

Its not your type of tune.

Twisted Logic; Black & White Romance

My tonight,

became your tomorrow,

A sunrise between us,

one filled with sorrow.

As my hello,

remembered your face,

your goodbye,

lost its embrace.

I figured when seagulls

swam in blue ocean,

fish would fly high,

to get lost in the motion.

As some sort of traitor,

gravity defies.

Twisted logic reasons--

contradicting lies.

A dream to be forgiven,

a nightmare to be saved.

A backwards way of thinking,

a forward way now caved.

Love not soon forgotten,

two hearts will become one.

Their tears will show their sadness,

their laughter shows they've won.

To somehow fade out color,

to drain the blues and greens.

A Black and White Romance,

a connection bound and clean.

A want to be together,

a love to conquer all.

Emotion interrupted,

both took a similar fall.

His arms hold on protecting,

her fragile form his lure,

Her heartfelt gaze upon him,

her kisses provide his cure.

Relation of things uncertain,

separation her worst fear.

His want to spend forever,

with her the one so dear...

to possibly be continued.......

To Understand Dying at Dawn

cold winds blow,

onward shadows cast

up

later is now known.

turn away backwards,

errands will run.

run out of problems

demands fallen short

erasing the numbers,

belonging to her

out of the context,

reordered; no clue.

demands of affection

Unwilling, unheard.

Numerous pages,

Damaged in lead.

Errors in making,

Rumors in lies.

Systematic reasons,

Time's clock unwinds.

Again a time of changing,

New beginnings end.

Doesn't it seem lovely,

Dying with each breath?

Years have started fading,

Images too blurred.

Nights turn into mornings

Guns turned into gloss.

A method, a way and a reason,

To understand dying today.

Damned to loving a dreamer,

And killing her deep down instead,

Witness to all of her beauty,

Never be seen from again.

Forever a Goodbye Ago; A Theory of Madness

To be or not to be,

wasnt the real question.

It was never a question,

of life or of death.

But thats what we've made it

all over time;

A complicated scramble,

a secret twist of words.

And though poison fills our minds,

a drug within a chalice,

We make an intelligent entrance,

and a very distinct goodbye.

Dark clouds loom over head us,

yet still we do remain.

Conversing about good things,

smiles plastered to demons faces.

Forever a goodbye ago,

someone did once care,

And i thought for once,

a theory by design would be welcomed

But this time lifes been seen,

as nothing more than

A Theory of Madness

Something More

sometimes in life,

its not really about understanding.

Its never about the future,

its about which page to turn.

You'll waste your life in fear,

drowning blindly in darkness.

Unable to see the better,

unable to see the wrongs.

And maybe you'll sit there and cry,

passing each and every goodbye.

And maybe you'll get what you wanted,

or maybe you'll be tracked down and hunted.

Fixing isnt the same as breaking--

real is different from your faking.

But let this go, and soon become,

Something More. . . .

Suicide Note

A suicidal note,

from a suicidal friend;

I'm writing just to tell you,

soon will be my end,

Love had conquered hate,

up until the part,

that hate defeated love,

its arrow through the heart.

Life was never fair,

a game to win or lose.

But i think i'm finally beaten,

like a drunk hiding from booze.

A song to soon be broken,

A new ghost to be unseen.

A creeper in the daylight,

A stranger deemed unclean.

Remarked, rescared, reinjured,

a poison looking good-

A life time of discretion,

a boy who thought he could-

Mental notes worth thinking,

though thoughts cant be undone,

Actions soon regretted,

awkwardness has won.

Death by Fire; Save Him & Save Yourself

He wont ever understand

why i think the way i do,

He'll never understand

why i cant be normal like he is.

He'll try to make me happy,

to feel the things i am without

And slowly he'll find that im helpless,

and he'll give up without a doubt.

My oddness & my feelings,

will all slowly come to shame.

& soon my presence wont be missed,

a single tear shed in my absence.

In loving i'll find longing,

for him to become near,

But he'll begin to doubt me,

and see im his mistake.

A mistake of sharing feelings,

a mistake that God let breath,

The same mistake that even all,

the angels seem to shun.

His reflection will let loose secrets,

and warn him to move on.

& I'll make a final decision,

Save Him & Save Yourself.

He'll understand this later,

when things have come to pass.

When I tell him that its over,

& then save the world from me.

I'll finally pull the trigger,

& rid the world of shame.

& Then he'll find his true love,

and finally see the light.

The letters I once wrote him,

will all dissolve away.

Ridding him of remnants,

of a dragon he tried to slay.

A dragon undefeated,

until defeat became its name.

Conquered in its fire,

completed in the rains.

A burning need to fix it,

A life engulfed in flame.

Death by Sand; Save Him & Save Yourself

Tears stain,

Leaving behind trails of sadness.

Making us,

Scaring us on the inside, not out

Allowing Failures,

Continuing to drag us down deep

And these deep rains

They kill us ever so slow.

Wanting things

To go away, but needing them to stay.

Haunting us,

Scaring our friends from our loss

Take with you

Things of our past whether good or bad

And heart failure

Just may sooner become your issue.

Not cause your dead

But because you’ve failed to believe

Wipe your face

And try to barry that pain

Pain from within

That only he’ll be able to fix.

If only,

You believed that he really would

But you refuse,

You sont want to let him see your still down

That in truth,

No one will ever be able to…

To fix you,

You who are beyond broken.

You who loves him,

And would willingly give up everything

But you’ve forgotten,

You have nothing left within you

And you’ll ruin him,

You’ll let him love you and you’ll break him

Because he’ll break you

Into wanting, into believing happiness is real,

And you will,

You’ll want it and you’ll be no step closer.

And you heart,

Will always belong to him & he’ll break it.

Not meaning to,

But he’ll get tired & he’ll move on.

And leave you,

Broken & forever shattered & wanting only him

Wanting the one poison,

The one toxic potion that ever kept you alive

Love,

the thing that created, then drilled & invaded you.

And dig your grave,

Miles below the sand so your pain will wash up

And you wont feel a thing,

& no one will ever find you.

Nor would they want to

Go looking for a person killed within

Why go looking,

For something more to cry about?

Miserable man is he,

Who tries to save the broken & fallen.

Youre beyond anyone,

Beyond their hope or happiness.

Long gone you are,

so start digging through the sand.

The ocean,

Will wash you away soon enough,

And once again,

You will be stuck for good.

But time will leave

& sorrow and pain will drain slowly

Until storms rise

& your time has long passed & gone forever more

And finally,

he wont remember you, & he’ll feel happy